I’m not sure why I’m writing this. However, I feel I need to. It’s currently 12:28 am and I’m up..really up. I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I have a need to understand. There is so much that is wrong with this world and I fear I have grown numb to it; the way women are treated, people of different colors, faiths and sexual orientations; it has become the norm. Then a “Trayvon Martin” happens or Charlottesville and we are all heart broken, enraged activists for roughly 10 days and then we go back to the status quo. We enjoy our little bubbles of monotony until they are popped once again by the next local tragedy.

How is it that we live this way? Why do we live this way? Why do we sweep this big problem under the rug? We get so easily wrapped back up in our own worlds and don’t stop to wonder do I have time to do both?.. to take care of my own business/family and still contribute to the larger picture? We wake up early, head off to work, then rush home to take care of the kids and the dog and then rinse, wash, repeat. Regardless of these bullshit jobs that most of us find ourselves working and the bullshit political situation in our country. Is this really what we signed up for? Is this really what we want for our lives? Certainly, there has to be a better way to live.

I definitely wonder why the white nationalist feel a certain way?.. but it’s deeper than what we see on the surface. I know they are afraid on some level. They don’t want to feel powerless or feel like they are losing what they are “entitled” to, but that’s not the root of the problem. They just aren’t happy. They aren’t doing what they were meant to do. If you gave them a country full of all white people they would find another demographic to divide themselves as better than and lesser than…Their hatred comes from a larger feeling of inadequacy. It’s something I call “lost knowing”. They know they want more, know that they should be achieving more…but they are lost because they don’t know what that “more” is. Most of us don’t.

I’ll tell you what it is…or at least what it feels like in this moment. That more is an opening of the heart. It’s a light in a dark place. It’s getting to know yourself, it’s looking at the reality of your frequency and learning the rhythm until you can resonate with it and ride every wave of your soul into the present allowing yourself to be vulnerable, real, sad, hurt, healed and whole. It’s letting go of every bit of energy that the rest of the world has put on you and truly being yourself. We have already evolved way past this current state that we live in but we are too afraid to choose it. This is why we struggle. We have the biology of primates with the evolution of enlightened beings only we are too lazy and complacent to crack the shell and break through to our higher selves. Oh, if only, we did… How sweet it would be to not need to hurt another, or make another feel like they were lesser than or to stomp out your own light only to push everyone else around in the dark.

If only we would let go. Let go of all of these primal instincts so we could live in a state of primal intuition. Intuition is larger than instinct and it takes you way farther. It will send you into the ether along roads less traveled; where love equality, freedom peace and joy are our constitutions and there is no hatred because we can clearly see that to hate another is to hate your very self. We are not separate. Our energies coalesce, collide and collapse all into one just as the wave always dissolves back into the water.

I’m inspired by these words from Nelson Mandela, “umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu.” which means,  A person is a person because of other people. I hope this will be your mantra on your way up.



  • AngelA says:

    True. At the root of primal instincts is self-preservation and at the root of that is fear. We (animals) attack/get defensive when we/they are scared and don’t understand. May we seek to know AND understand.

  • Reverend, Doctor Mama A says:

    Joel, thank you for being YOU! For sharing your ponderings after the events in Charlottesville, VA this past weekend. I, too, have been asking myself how to do both: be responsible to my family/work AND contribute to the larger picture. I know we can and will find that balance and appreciate your openness, vulnerability and insights. Your blog is an important contribution to the larger picture. Namaste from Mama A ??

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